Otto Titsling


“Otto Titsling, inventor and kraut,
had nothing to get very worked up about.
His inventions were failures, his future seemed bleak.
He fled to the opera at least twice a week.

One night at the opera he saw an Aida
who’s t-ts were so big they would often impede her.
Bug-eyed he watched her fall into the pit,
done in by the weight of those terrible t-ts.

For Otto Titsling had found his quest:
to lift and mold the female breast;
to point the small ones to the sky;
to keep the big ones high and dry!

Every night he’d sweat and snort
searching for the right support.
He tried some string and paper clips.
Hey! He even tried his own two lips!

Well, he stitched and he slaved
and he slaved and he stitched
until finally one night, in the wee hours of morning,
Otto arose from his workbench triumphant.
Yes! He had invented the world’s first
over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Hooray!”

-Bette Midler in Beaches

This song was completely inspiring for a young actress.  The lyrics were dangerously outrageous, but I could get away with singing them for 2 reasons: 1. My mother loved Bette Midler and 2. I used the song to practice both my vocals and my performance techniques.  To sing the word “t-ts” was so liberating and deliciously bad.  I sang it a lot and at the top of my lungs while running around my bedroom, pretending it was the stage.

As you grow older, a titsling becomes increasingly important.  Luckily there is an absolutely fantastic one on the market, the “Bra-llelujah” by Spanx.  A front clasp bra is so dang hard to find these days, and this one is fabulous.  Their claim to fame with this one is that it eliminates the appearance of back fat.  I can assure you this is not an empty claim.  It is also the most comfortable one I have ever worn.  They run a little big, so you may want to go down a back size in them.  Today, has them on sale.  They only go on sale in department stores during major sales.  You can get them during Friends and Family at Bloomingdale’s and Nordstrom runs a great deal on them during their Anniversary sale.

Let me warn you, however, that they are not sexy no matter what the model looks like.  My husband often complains about this.  My answer, and the one I suggest to you, is that my innate sexiness shines no matter what my over the shoulder bolder holder looks like.


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