Today the tiny ones and I had a long drive. After an hour and a half of Glee‘s version of Proud Mary, I decided that for the longevity of my sanity and their lives, we should stop and get lunch. We parked one block away from the pizza spot that was deemed acceptable. Out of sheer laziness, I decided to carry my 16-month-old lion cub instead of strapping him in his carrier. (Mistake #1) The village that housed our restaurant rejuvenated my tired (ok crabby) soul and as we passed a bakery I announced that I would spring for cookies after lunch. (Mistake #2) We were given a booth at the pizza joint and I assumed the 3 of us would just share one side instead of putting the lion cub in a high chair, as he hates being confined. (Mistake #3) It started out blissful as both boys wanted to eat my salad with me and I thought maybe people would think I was one of the unicorn moms who has perfect children. As soon as the pizza came and they only brought one bowl of ranch to dip, the sh*% hit the fan. The lion cub was climbing over his brother to rub pizza crust on the opaque glass separating the booths and screaming when his brother hoarded the ranch. The older one was furious he couldn’t eat in peace and I quickly got a box and the check. Balancing the pizza box in my arms with the wily lion cub, I was reminded that I promised dessert. NOW, here is what I forgot about the quaint village. It hosts 5 colleges so the clientele on a Sunday afternoon is pondering, meandering and perhaps nursing a hangover. There were 2 couples in front of us in the bakery. I am certain that they each discussed the meaning of life with the cashier. I KNOW they discussed what filled every single sandwich on the menu because it took 10 minutes to get to us.

10 minutes. Do you know what damage can be done in 10 minutes with 2 small children? By 2, I mean 1 in this instance because the older one hates being in trouble, but loves to tattle. My lion cub started in on the stacked high chairs because he was not strapped into his carrier, because of my earlier laziness and I couldn’t hold him and the $5 worth of pizza in the stupid take out box. He moved on to the door stop. First he touched it. I tried to whisper hiss at him as I could tell the intellectual clientele would be offended by my mom voice ruining their Sunday coffee. He didn’t care, even a little. He proceeded to lick the door stop and the surrounding area, which is where everyone walks. At that point, it was my turn to order. I told his brother to watch and make sure the door didn’t swing open and hit the little floor licker. Not one patron offered to move the little stinker for me. We got our dessert and I carried a screaming, writhing child to the car while the other one screamed, “HOLD MY HAND MOMMY!”

Clearly, I left the children with their father as soon as we got home. I came home later to a wonderful dinner of spicy chicken sausage and corn on the cob. After we ate, my husband informed me the lion cub had massive diarrhea. I asked him if he had thought about that before feeding him spicy sausage and corn on the cob. Nope. (Mistake #4)