There are needs and then there are wants. I count my blessings, when I run, that all of my needs are provided, along with many of my wants. I am still greedy. Here are my wants:
- A new couch. Mine is repulsive.
- An outdoor rug for my courtyard.
- To live in a stronger school district for the tiny one.
- Hair extensions.
- In all honesty, I desperately want a Chloe handbag.
- To win the lottery even though I don’t buy lottery tickets.
We just met with our fertility specialist who told us that we have roughly a 0% chance of having a child naturally. Suddenly, my wants change, and unfortunately they are wants.
- A second child.
- Another happy and HEALTHY tiny one.
- More belly laughter from someone under 1-year-old.
- More diapers to change.
- More croup to keep me awake at night.
We have decided that there is another round of ivf left in us. There is another round of injections, potential surgeries, emotional hurt, financial (God awful) stress, and weight gain (forgive my vanity) in us to try. If you have not been through this, let me give you hope. It can work. I remember sitting in my doctor’s exam room, crying that I could take no more after having to cancel our second round of ivf in exchange for a second surgery. It takes you to the depths of despair, but I had an incredible partner to catch me in those moments. Surprising no one more than myself, every day I thank God for how hard it was to have this tiny bundle of joy. I am more patient because of our struggle to conceive him. I value each repulsive diaper because I wanted him so badly. I see beauty in a sleepless night at 4 a.m. because I so desperately wanted to rock my own child. Truthfully, the money we spent seems like a bargain because of what it gave me emotionally in return. I can only say this after the fact. Had it not worked, I would have been resentful of forgoing numerous glamorous vacations and Chloe handbags. The glorious side of today and not yesterday is the worst case scenario: if the tiny one is the only child we are graced with, he is enough. Enough joy, enough laughter, and enough love to share. He was our need.