Beauty

Fetal Pretzel

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I am afraid of chest wrinkles.  (Cue an eye roll from my mother and a fervent desire for the ability to quit reading her progeny’s inane ramblings.  She can’t, as a side note.)  I tried to think of another word instead of afraid, but none hit the mark.  I am afraid of them because there is nothing you can do about it.  As far as I know, fillers don’t go there and there is not a chest lift available.  All you can do is wear high necklines and sweat during the summer.   The only thing worse for your chest than worshipping the sun sans sunscreen is side sleeping.  I sleep on my side in what is best described as a fetal pretzel position and this is where the fear begins.  I am not alone in my fear.  I have a friend whose brain works similarly to mine and we decided to brainstorm solutions.  She thought of having her husband duct tape her to her back at night.  I had come up with finding a way to duct tape my skin so it didn’t move while I slept on my side.  I was very impressed that we both thought of duct tape independently.  Clearly, these weren’t sane options so we decided to train ourselves to sleep on our backs.  It was simply terrible.  I would lay there in the middle of the night while Patrick was happily asleep on his side, reminding myself why I was doing this and how I would be thankful for it in 10 years.  An hour later, I would be in full panic mode about how tired I was going to be the next day.  An hour after that, I would give in and turn into fetal pretzel position.  This went on for about 2 weeks until both my friend and I were delirious and had to quit the effort.

While I quit my back training, I did not quit my fear and accept the inevitable.  Google is an amazing tool.  I googled “prevent chest wrinkles” and found this, the Décolleté Pad, correct and prevent chest wrinkles.  Aside from my disappointment in another invention opportunity gone to waste, I was intrigued and ordered one for about $28.  It is an ageing miracle!  I may still wake up looking like the Bride of Frankenstein with my crazy hair, but this keeps my chest wrinkle free through the night!  It sticks on and does not move.  It stays sticky for one month.  I was slightly embarrassed the first night with this, but my husband is used to my quirkiness, and is more preoccupied with finding a way to get me to agree to sleep with the windows open, so it went over pretty well.  I highly recommend this.  I buy mine on Amazon and proudly wear it, despite my mother’s horror at raising a child who spends time worrying about chest wrinkles.  I am not the only one either.  My friend is embracing a wrinkle free chest with this wonder pad as well.

chest pad

Man luxuries

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It all started out with an innocent debate as to whether Wes was on the Real World Austin or Sydney.  Pat and I both felt strongly and decided to put a wager on our answer.  The loser had to sprint to the trash cans nude.  This isn’t as outrageous as it sounds seeing that it was 10:00 at night, our trash is 5 feet from the back door, and isn’t easily viewed from the street.  Still, the excitement was there.  I won.  Pat dragged his feet, but like any good man, owned up to being wrong and sprinted out the door.  I immediately slammed and locked it.  I then started yelling, “Who’s out there?” and our dogs went nuts.  Our neighbor’s lights came on and Pat used words that were 100% appropriate for the situation.  I let him back in and he said that just like game night, I had ruined any future betting opportunities.  (I might or might not have thrown a Scrabble board after losing.)

Today’s post is dedicated to little luxuries for your man.  I had some making up to do.  It was totally worth it, by the way.  The items below are tested tried and true by some of the most important men in my life.

Lululemon game on boxer briefs, $24.  The men said they were too expensive to buy themselves, which makes them perfect for gift giving.  The fit is great and the colors are vibrant.  The packaging is nice as well, no pun intended.

lulu boxer

Kikkerland pens, $6 for 5.  These were inspired by Mad Men and brought my brother back to his days of sitting at my dad’s desk.  The fit is comfortable and has a clean print.  I have never understood a preferred pen, but both my brother and my husband have preferences for their work.  It is a man thing.  http://www.kikkerland.com/products/retro-pens-set-of-5/

pens

American Apparel V-neck tees, $21-28 for short sleeve.  “You know how new sweatshirts are really soft until you wash them?  I like these tees because they stay soft, like a brand new sweatshirt.”  When men comment on a fabrication, you know it’s good.  This fit model looks like a jailed junkie.  They look better on real men.

tee

Bugatchi socks, $19.75.  When we were in France, the only thing my husband bought for himself were French socks.  Printed socks are popular with men and give you a glimpse into their personality.  I love finding an unexpected print peeking out of a serious suit.  Bugatchi has fantastic prints and they last a very long time.  Where to buy them?  Of course….Nordstrom.  Zappos also carries them.

bugatchi

Dunkin Donuts coffee, roughly $10 for 12 oz.  I had no idea there was a cult following to this coffee.  A good friend of ours was harassed in the store for refusing to say ‘dunkaccino’, but still goes back for the coffee.  I have heard from several men that this is the BEST coffee.  Apparently a Southern California store arrival is causing serious excitement.  While you are at it, pick up the disposable coffee cups from the grocery store too.  Their convenience is appreciated by your man.

Kiehl’s Products.  Kiehl’s has clean, neutral packaging, appealing to men.  They are no-nonsense and straight forward in their promises and goals.  From their men’s line, my husband likes their facial fuel.  They also have the best non-scented lip balm.  Bloomingdale’s has a good in-store shop.  I find that their associates are honest about the products too.

kiehl-s-lip-balm-#1

Pearls of Wisdom, Sort of?

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I like to think that I carry myself well, but at times it is a fail.  I have left many an evening where Patrick informed me that my stories were highly inappropriate.  In those moments, I like to think that I have the panache to pull them off, but I usually cringe, pray, and send a vague text the next day to feel out the situation.  Over the years I have observed many women, usually Southern, who remain aloofly cool and wish that I was that way.  I just am not.  Before I attend a ladylike event, I give myself mental pointers.  Some of them include:

  • Remember that being a listener is as important as being a talker.  Everyone gets a turn.
  • Do not tell a story that would embarrass your husband.
  • Stand up straight.
  • Do not drop an F bomb.

I generally at least achieve the not dropping the F bomb point.  Yay!  I bring this up because some of my favorite ladylike accessories are pearls.   I do not endorse them at all with a cardigan twin set, but worn extra casually, they can be fun.  Opposites in dressing are so interesting.  If worn with a twin set, they are expected, but if you wear them with distressed boyfriend jeans, they are absolutely fascinating to me.  I might wonder, “What was she doing to pair these with this outfit?  Was she at the opera and couldn’t be bothered to remove them?”  or “I want to be friends with her.”  Opposites that are so blaringly obvious are fresh.  Why not wear a strand of pearls to run errands?  Things of beauty should not be used only for special occasions.  Pearls are a gemstone that have a very wide price range and timeless.  They are a wonderful gift for a new love or for a relative.  My favorite necklace is made of fresh water, pale pink pearls.   They are not perfectly round, which of course is more interesting to me.  I braid it with another strand of perfect pearls that were my great aunt’s, and gold, raisin-like freshwater pearls, and it keeps me entertained for hours.  The imperfections are the best part.